So there’s a long gap tween me being 9 and being 45.
Loads of stuff happened there; but also not a lot, depending.
In this patch between the exodus from the Belgian Congo, that famous Harold MacMillan’Winds of Change’ speech and RSA becoming a republic, there were several opportunities for the self-styled ‘resident main ous’ ruling there in Central Africa, to get some sort of realistic political settlement sorted out. Instead of which They bottled up awful consequences which are still being played out as I write this fifty years down a long & dusty & rockyroad… alas if only … “what do we learn from history”(Hegel) ? Absolutely nothing. Well some of us learn, many don’t – the important ones… and there’s loads of eg.’s round the world
These politicos who are even paid handsomely to behave realistically & decently, NEVER BLOODY SEEM TO BE ABLE TO- WHYEVER NOT?
Fast forwards either back or forwards… hahaha…
I had finally lost my father after his final illness and was immersed in trying to produce the residue of his scribblings into a kind of statement- but it was simply too difficult: The jigsaw refused to be solved, I had nothing but bits that didnt add up. I tried and tried to make it add up into something readable. Failed- not only once but completely. So badly in fact that under this influence it was like being back-to-child mode again and I all but lost my own ‘voice’ buried under the influence of someone I really needed to outgrow then alloveragain. I was trying to give him -I suppose- what he had never been able to give me: Fulsome support without any second thoughts or holding back… and in the process all but submerged myself…
I was trying to escape allover again from like out of a cave or under a pile of rocks or -most poignantly of all- from off the side of a mountaintop in the Caucasus. I had put myself into this predicament purely to try to solve an impossible problem. Thats what all this extreme verbiage was all about really, as I thrashed it about everywhich way but loose: Sort of ducking & diving to avoid “The Big Issue”- whose fault it is/was that nothing’s been completed even by NOW when there’s time & opportunity a-plenty… but I suppose sort of ‘The gas tanks rather low if not empty’ was my letout…
Analogy with reality here: No idea really what’s real so making do with whats found nearby: It has to do for the momento. One’s view is necessarily never other than anecdotal- how to make it more if not completely relevant?
Firstly at least for/to myself; in the sense of gaining some understanding about ones past mistakes with a view to proceeding more successfully into the unknown steppes all around me…
Secondly; more widely expanding the relevance of these findings: Big Q – can one repair the past ” recapture or repair it” a la Marcel’s approach… Dear Marcel tried so hard… and he failed didnt he?
Like a prospector panning a stream for nuggets. Do I know whats a ‘find’ anyway? How so? Good point! I might easily throw away a Valuable if I don’t know it’s one and equally, build up a huge storepile of dross under the illusion that it’s a pile of said ‘finds’, when it’s definitely a pile of ****
Back to starting point: Me haunted by a ghostly someone who made my life a misery, as difficult as he could and for no real discernible reason, apart from merely thwarting as much of my innate striving as possible. My Father,he who Never until his almost last days ever gave any relatively kind/ helpful ‘aidance’ by which I mean sort of helpful guidance one sometimes hears of others getting
So many wrongs seems like intended to achieve just that
Many opportunities closed off, shut down, kaput;
Is it now too late to repair the way ahead
To revive curiosity and find intention to succeed?
I struggle from under a pile of stuff- that I’ve accumulated myself as I aided this insane counter-reformation almost in a parody of the European Middle Ages. I buried myself, I gave comfort to my enemy, my flesh and blood, who was engaged on some peculiar journey of his own that involved this torment to myself that might even have been misdirected at himself. I still cant say its clearer to me NOW
So instead of trying to prepare me for the Outside World, to find a place in it- if not “my own place” (which would have been too much to expect unless I was ennobled or fell into Paradise)- he spent my upbringing making me go along with the opposite to both my own deep needs and wishes and presumably his own which would have been to have seen me being fulfilled. Admittedly my wishes were often misguided but regardless of that, whatever things a parent is supposed to helpfully inculcate in a child, he did the opposite- everytime: Deliberately too, as if to punish me for being as I was; from Day One he was ‘Hard on me’… and perhaps even harder on himself. Maybe I’ve just got to learn that point too.
I picked up some understanding by trying to follow his explanations of how the past became the present, as so many have tried before. I spent 15 more years struggling to find what direction was preferable and ended up lost in a fog. My mother’s funeral probably this time. I let most things drift during this time, like divesting myself gradually of chains…
Start again with my own perspective, saying where I think I am and how I think I’ve got where I ended up. Just me! Let’s try!!